


Perry and the Black Knight

by Kereea



Series: Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend [3]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Comedy, Gian robots, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 09:27:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17020098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: Perry hangs out with the kids while visiting their grandparents aka his aunt and uncle. They decide a medieval tournament is on the docket. Little does he know that while Peter the Panda tries to thwart Heinz at the villain expo, Professor Mystery is spying on him.





	Perry and the Black Knight

 “Well my goodness. We were only gone for groceries for an hour!” Winifred laughed.

 Perry shook his head, grinning. Of course Uncle Reginald would go along with whatever the kids cooked up. It looked like they had an entire faire set up by the neighbor’s castle. He and Winifred wandered over to where Reginald was, dressed as a king and directing people about.

 “Morning my love! Perry, you won’t believe your eyes!” Reginald said. “The boys had the most wonderous idea!”

 Perry nodded. It was a little hard to miss.

 “The boys, Charles, and Vanessa are even going to have a bit of a joust with Candace as the fair princess. What say you, brave sir Perry? Will you join the fray?” Reginald asked, pointing at Perry with his scepter.

 Perry shook his head. An adult against kids seemed a bit unfair. He signed that he’d be the princess’ bodyguard.

 “That’s the spirit, nephew!” Reginald said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Winnie, darling, let’s go make sure these peasants didn’t skimp on the stands!”

 Perry went to find the boys, assuming they knew where to get armor, costumes, and whatever else he needed to join in on this. He found them talking to an English teen who looked weirdly like Jeremy Johnson.

 “Oh, Charles, this is our Uncle Perry! Uncle Perry, we’re going to joust!” Phineas said eagerly. “Do you want in? We need a fourth person to make it a full tourney, it’s a little hard with three!”

 “The lady Vanessa even plans to be our black knight!” Charles said. “Minus the hounds of heck. I love my family’s dogs and won’t set them loose on a jousting course. I also love the family horses and won’t subject them to dogs…say, don’t we only have two horses? Where _did_ you get the other ones?”

 Perry counted the kids on his fingers to point out that there _were_ four jousters.

 “Oh, no, Ferb and I are going together. We’re too small to wear a suit on our own,” Phineas said.

 Perry signed that he still wasn’t jousting, but he’d play Candace’s bodyguard.

 “Ah, remember when you and your cousins would galivant about with swords as lads?” Reginald asked, coming up from behind.

 Perry hastily signed that the swords had been padded ones.

 “No, no, remember that time Lawrence dug up that rusty old thing from the backyard?” Reginald asked. “You loved that!”

 Perry glared at him, hoping to impart that it was a bad idea to tell kids their guardian may or may not have used a real sword at their age, and may or may not have swung it at a few cousins utterly unsupervised. Reginald grinned. Damn it. His uncle always was a trickster.

 “Cool!” Phineas said. “Charles’ butler said he was going to ‘child-safe’ the lances, which sounds kind of boring. I mean, we’re wearing armor…”

 Perry thought back to when a teenage Lawrence had spent an afternoon eagerly monologuing about various historical jousting accidents. Armor didn’t exactly save you from those.

 “Let me have this, young sirs,” a man in a tuxedo said, presenting Phineas and Charles with lances. “The cores are solid, but the rest is made of foam. Stiff, but no one will put an eye out.”

 Perry saluted him.

.o.o.o.

 Professor Mystery put his binoculars down, trying not to laugh. Of course those little inventors were going to do something big even on vacation. A medieval tournament! Well, at least he’d get a show while keeping an eye on Fletcher.

 He’d originally staked out on the neighbor’s castle simply for the view of the entire Fletcher estate, but now that the tournament was so close it made his job even easier. This was going to be a breeze!

 As if reality itself felt like thwarting him, the stones beneath him threatened to give way. Mystery scrambled, trying to avoid a fall, but slipped and just barely managed to catch the ledge of the roof and fling himself through a convenient window.

 “Oof!” Mystery hissed as he fell through and hit the stone floor.

 He winced at a shriek. Oops. “My bad!”

 “Professor Mystery?”

 He looked up to see Candace Flynn in a princess dress. “…Uh, hi?”

 “What are you doing here? Dr. D’s at the villain expo,” Candace said. “Go bother people there, I’m busy.”

 “Peter the Panda is handling it. I’m keeping an eye on your uncle.”

 “Oh _no_ ,” Candace said, rolling her eyes, “Having fun with his family, _what villainy_. Seriously, get out. This is the princess tower and you’re _not_ in a dress.”

 Mystery swallowed. He would not put it past her to force him into one. “Erm. Yes. I’ll just be…going—whoa!”

 He slipped on the narrow tower stairs and fell down, crashing into a suit of armor along the way. Hm…this would work as a disguise, wouldn’t it? Yeah! This would be perfect!

.o.o.o.

 “So where’s Vanessa?” Phineas asked Candace as Perry helped her up to the princess’ seat of honor.

 “She was having trouble with her armor. One of the maids was going to help her,” Candace said. “Umm, are you jousting without armored pants?”

 “Ferb’s the pants. Willowy legs and all,” Phineas said.

 “Oh, and you’re the head to do the talking. I get it,” Candace said.

 They jumped at the sound of trumpets.

 “That’s our cue! Later, Candace!” Phineas said.

 “Hark! The Black Knight approaches!”

 “Sweet, Ferb!” Phineas said as Charles’ butler helped them up. “We get to fence against Vanessa first!”

 Ferb stuck an arm out of a slot in the armor and gave a thumbs up.

 “There you are, love!” Reginald said to the black knight. “Here’s your horse! And be gentle on the lads, they’re young.”

 “Mmph?” the person in the armor asked as Reginald herded them up the steps and onto the horse. “Mmph!”

 “Ah, intend on being a lady of few words to keep character? I like it!” Reginald laughed, smacking the horse on the rear. The black knight went flying as the horse bucked them off, screaming loudly.

 Perry stood up and shook his finger at his uncle. Heinz would be _pissed_ if Vanessa got hurt.

 The knight ricocheted around the pitch before somehow landing exactly back in the saddle.

 “Good show, Vanessa!” Charles laughed.

 “What?”

 Everyone turned to see Vanessa and a maid walking out onto the field, Vanessa’s visor up.

 “…Uh…wait,” Candace said, slowly looking between Vanessa and the other black knight. “If that’s you, then _who’s that_?”

 “Show yourself!” Phineas called.

 The black knight freaked out and spurred their horse, riding out of the tourney.

 “That’s my mother’s favorite horse!” Charles said. “…Oh well. She has a tracking chip. We’ll get her back!”

 “Did the ghost of the black knight just steal a horse?” Candace asked.

 “After them!” Phineas said.

 “After the ghost!” Charles agreed, saddling up.

 “It could just be a horse thief!” Vanessa said as she got on behind Charles.

 “A ghostly horse thief!” Charles said.

 “Oh yeah, you are way more Candace’s type,” Vanessa muttered as the kids rode after the black knight.

 “…I don’t know how to ride a horse,” Candace said as she and Perry watched them ride off.

 Perry signed that he had an idea.

.o.o.o.

 Mystery screamed as the mare raced through the fields. He had no idea what he was doing or where this accursed animal was going! Or why they’d tried to make him joust because they thought he was Doof’s daughter! He was way taller than her!

 “Get back here, Black Knight!” Phineas yelled from the pursuing pack.

 The sound of a motor got his attention, and he turned around in horror to see Perry Fletcher on a motorcycle with Candace Flynn in a sidecar.

 “Oh, come on!” he whined.

 “You are _so busted_ , horse thief!” Candace yelled.

 “Why do thy have that?” Mystery asked the horse. The horse rather obviously did not know.

 They galloped out onto a road, which to Mystery was a bad thing since it gave the motor bike an advantage. As he tried to steer the horse back onto grass, a truck swerved to avoid them, the bag busting open and the conetnts spilling out.

 What was it carrying?

 Oh, it was dogs.

 Wait, dogs?

 The mare took off faster, this time with dogs at her heels.

 “I just wanna get off!” Mystery yelled.

 A loud roar drew his attention. He looked up to see a purple mechanical dragon.

 “…I should have gone to the expo,” he whimpered.

.o.o.o.

 Perry asked everyone else if he was the only one seeing a giant robotic dragon and Queen Elizabeth the First doing battle.

 “No, no you’re not,” Phineas said.

 “Oh come on! Now there’s a _dragon_?” Candace asked.

 “Mother is…not getting her horse back, is she?” Charles asked.

 “The odds are against it,” Ferb agreed.

 The giant robot queen punched the dragon with its three left hands, sending it hurtling downwards towards the black knight.

 Vanessa politely covered Charles’ eyes as the dragon exploded on impact with the ground.

 “Ooh boy,” Phineas muttered. “That’s, uh…uh oh.”

 “Did you catch the ghost of the black knight?” Reginald asked, pulling up on his spare motorbike.

 “He, uh, met a dragon,” Vanessa said.

 “Wait, look!” Candace called.

 “Genevieve!” Charles cried in joy as the mare trotted out of the smoke, sans rider. “Oh, Genevieve, you’re all right! Except for needing a bath. Lads, mind inventing a fast way to totally clean a horse? Mum won’t like her filthy.”

 “Oh, sure, we’re on it,” Phineas said.

 “What even just happened? Why was there a giant robot queen and a dragon?” Candace asked. “I didn’t even get to bust the ghost of the black knight who was also a horse thief!”

 “I think the explosion kind of beat you to it,” Vanessa said.

 “…Want to go back and joust?” Phineas asked.

 “Yeah, okay,” the teens agreed.

.o.o.o.

 Heinz hopped out of the cab, “Guess who got in a _giant robot fight_?”

 “That was you?” Vanessa asked.

 Heinz looked at the rest of his family—Vanessa in armor, Phineas and Ferb partly in armor, Candace in a dress, and Perry in some kind of period clothes. “What was me?”

 “The giant robots rampaging through the countryside,” Candace said.

 “Oh, yeah. I was the queen one,” Heinz said.

 “You got to pilot the giant Queen Elizabeth the First?” Phineas asked, wide-eyed. He grabbed the hem of Heinz’s lab coat. “How were the six arms? _The laser eyes_?”

 “They were pretty good, and her suspension was a _dream_ for something that big!” Heinz said, ruffling Phineas’ hair. “Seriously, I’m going to have email those guys for their techniques, I’ve never made a giant robot that moves so _smoothly_. They’re usually so bulky and easily hindered by the square-cube law! I _must_ know!”

 Perry asked if Peter the Panda had been in the dragon.

 “Yeah. Poor guy couldn’t use the fire breath, though. Some idiot put the cockpit in the _mouth_ ,” Heinz said. “So, what did you do today?”

 “We staged a tournament that possibly awakened the ghost of the Black Knight and his Hounds of Heck, which stole Charles’ mother’s horse,” Ferb said.

 “Oh, _awesome_! You’ll have to tell me _all_ about it,” Heinz said as they headed back towards the cottage. “Hey, did anyone see Professor Mystery around? He wasn’t with Peter, so I was worried he’d be here.”

 “Oh, I kicked him out of the tower this morning. Maybe he never made it to the expo?” Candace suggested.

.o.o.o.

 Monogram looked between the burned Peter and the wearing-bits-of-dented-armor-with-a-dog-still-chewing-on-his-leg Mystery.

 “You know, I was going to ask. But I don’t want to know.”

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Heinz stuck with the queen robot due to Phineas and Ferb’s fanboying over it from before summer. Thus Peter ended up with the less-well-designed robot instead.


End file.
